TOCHECHA
(this sermon was delivered Mincha, Yom Kippur)
I know you are… but what am I???
This day is drawing to a close and with it, These Days of AWE…
I wonder, have we learned… thought…. Acknowledged
any of our shortcomings?
Made a phone call …
… apologized… and maybe THOUGHT about how to mend a bridge?
Wherever we are on this process… the joy is that the opportunity for repentance and forgiveness does not stop with Break the Fast…
As… the easy stuff of littler hurts… is probably already handled… but.. if you are human… you may have one or two big whales of a messed-up relationship. (I’ll admit to that)
There is a term for that type of a relationship; Rabbi Caryn Aviv writes about the CONCEPT of third rail relationships.
You know.. like the New York subway electrified “don’t go near it” tracks.
This is what she’s written: “A third rail relationship is where a person has harmed us with their words, actions, or inaction, and it’s an unhealed wound we carry. It’s where we feel an electrical charge thrumming inside of us that hurts, that feels dangerous, that makes our heart pound and our muscles tighten. The question I asked of us is, what do we do, when we want a person to repair the harm they’ve caused? What if that person doesn’t recognize the harm? What if that person can’t, won’t, or doesn’t have the spiritual capacity to make amends?”
To me, her words beat at the HEART of our Days of Awe.
We are going to review the path we have been following for these High Holidays…
Erev Rosh Hashanah, I asked WHAT if… what if you KNOW you will be Dead a year from today… what would you do with your remaining time? Where would you go. Who would you call?
Rosh Hashanah morning, I asked that we SEE THE HUMAN behind the yard sign/flags… practice curiosity and seeing that we are ALL created in God’s Image(s)
Shabbat Shuvah – I talked about Embracing these times of transition, and being open to change
KOL NIDREI – We heard the Ross Gay essay from “A Year of Delights”, exploring the existence of a wayward plant … the delights of that irrepressible life, and the life it was supporting, and feeling Gratitude
YK Shacharit –this morning… I talked about the practice… of maybe ASKING for help… and actually allowing others to help us?
YK Mincha – and now we are to Mincha – where we explore what does it meant to love our fellow as ourselves AND to give rebuke… appropriately:
HOW do we rebuke/reprove… give loving feedback to someone… that they NEED TO HEAR.
HOW do WE accept it… when it is given to US?
There was a meeting maxim by which I lived by for about 23 years in my former career is
“Good ideas come from everywhere, healthy scrutiny of ideas is welcomed. FEEDBACK is a gift.”
I still use that… daily. Feedback, positive or negative… means someone cares enough to share.
BUT… What does it mean to rebuke your neighbor, to give them feedback… but not incur guilt, especially if we’re still feeling pain, or deep anger, in our hearts ?
Those would be the THIRD RAIL relationships… where is still pain… and anger.
So how do we pick up this word, TOCHECHA… rebuke… and TELL THEM… take them to task? Without causing equal injury??? HOW do we have courageous conversations… speak of OUR experience of the harm done… and somehow hope that the other person will actually hear… and accept it.
Our Torah suggests that we’re obligated to let a person know when they’ve caused us harm, even though we might be afraid. Even though that conversation might be difficult, and even when the person might not be receptive to hearing our rebuke.
And in doing this, we shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Because ultimately, we might be doing that other person a favor in the evolution of their own spiritual consciousness. JUST as I noted this morning – asking for and/or accepting help from others begins to build a healthier community … and stronger relationships… to avoid a difficult and scary topic … allows an ongoing pain to fester… and potentially grow. And y’all… stuff like I am talking about does not heal itself… and it does not really go away.
There are so many wrongs in this world. And I am sure… wrongs HERE.. in this dear community. AND.. where we SEE someone doing harm – in a doctor’s office … in a law office… when we see it and do not figure out how to call it out – call attention to it and give the offender a chance to wake up/acknowledge.. repent and change…
then we are shortchanging everyone.
We are missing the opportunity to build a better, more inclusive, welcoming, and compassionate world.
There is an adage that states "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”
I’ll amend that quote.. “don’t always attribute to conscious malice when basic ignorance is also in the picture.”
Because… sometimes folks are indeed.. just clueless. They may NEED to hear of their transgression… in small words and a large font.
And.. ya’ll… let us not forget … life and pretty much everything.. GOES BOTH WAYS.
sometimes that person IN THE THIRD RAIL RELATIONSHIP… may be US. In this time of introspection… can we truly state that we are not someone else’s “THIRD-RAIL Relationship?”
Which means… WE need to be open to rebuke, as well.
I put a handout in a number of the books. I am NOT going to have us do a breakout session right now.. but I truly truly hope you’ll take it home with you. Share it with a loved one… and be open to learning …
There’s an important prayer we’ll recite in a few minutes called “Al Cheit” where we ask for forgiveness. We’ve included two contemporary versions in our Machzor. One is about forgiving and healing our relationship with ourselves – loving ourselves first. The other is about forgiving and healing our relationships with others. What unites them is the chorus: We seek on this day release. Opening to the possibility of forgiveness, coming back now .. and knowing our own core truths.
Imagine… if this day.. we start the process … of working on those third-rail relationships.. where could we be, next year???
Ken Ye Hi Ratzon